Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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