i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
