My hand turned me down
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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