We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
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Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
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I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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