the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
