My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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