Soap is not a condiment
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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