Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
