If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
