Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
