I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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