So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
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I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.