you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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