I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
