If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
