Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
