My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
