And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
