I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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