i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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