those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
