Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
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There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
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My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize