Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
