I just threw up on my dentist
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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