Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
