Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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