i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
