Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
