How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
