The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
