They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
