I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
