You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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