she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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