I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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