Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
do herpes really smell.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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