He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
