If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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