I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
