Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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