What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
