when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
