you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
