Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
