I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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