i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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