The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
