Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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