I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
