You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
