I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
