She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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