I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
