I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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